The Midnight News 07.12.04

Posted by Hyatte on 07.12.2004

Vengeance, Christian, Bret Hart, Movies, Spidey, the Netcop, HHH, and Teens Love Me

Did you used to right Raw and Nitro reviews on scoops wrestling.com or somehting like that. I used to read that a few years back and then stopped watching wrestling for a few years. I started again, despite it being total crap but I couldn't find the mystery recapper. I saw your name when some other writer made fun of you and thought that looks familiar, it might be him. Anyway sorry for the retarded e-mail. Just please answer a simple yes or no and I'll be happy.

Thank you.

Keith

Yes or no. Eager to help any man cream in his jeans

Hello Washouts, I'm Chris and this is the Midnight News. We got stuff and a lot of it... so let's go.

UNDER SIEGE 3: THE KING GETS DETHRONED

So, the best I can figure what happened is this:

A few months ago, I clicked the wrong button and/or went to the wrong site, and suddenly there was an icon on my desktop... TWO of them in fact. One for an cheap airfare site and another for an online casino.

I freaked and downloaded HijackThis and Ad Aware, even though I had Spybot already, I figured a double shot would be even better!

Well, I come to find out, after the fact, that HijackThis pretty much kicks open your door and invites all the spyware in. “Come on in,” Hijack says. “This tool is an IDIOT!”

Meanwhile, Ad Aware and Spybot started fighting over who would be the primary Ad killer program in my desktop... Ad Aware won.

So, months later, my whole system crashes. Something just weaseled in there and gestated... like one of them Aliens that are always given Sigourney Weaver what for. On Wednesday, after I had the Thursday MidNews ALL WRITTEN! I was just waiting for Mr. McMahon to send in his piece.

To the tune of $200... THAT'S how much I paid to come back to your hopeless asses.

Of course, the bad news is that, because I'm a fucking nitwit and didn't back up shit, I lost EVERYTHING.... movie quotes, wrestling quotes, future column material, old e-mails with valuable information, ALL my passwords, AND... the Guide To Life questions.

SO... I need to start fresh... so here's what I need... for the last time because now I'm backing up EVERY fucking thing I get.

-wrestling quotes (I had a KILLER all Ric Flair line-up all set last week... gone)

-Movie quotes

-My TWO Torch VIP log-ins and passwords

-The Sport's Illustrated subscription codes many of you were kind enough to send me. I lost those too.

-AND... if you sent me a question for GTL, send it again... if you have ANY question that needs the cool, smart, objective, awesome guidance that only a wrestling writer can give... ask away, my cub bard is empty.

Again, this'll be the last time I ask... so do me a fave and I'll... well, I'll do nothing in return but make your sorry asses feel entertained for 45 minutes a day.

By the way, I now run everything through Norton... and Ad Aware... and run both scans twice a day.... and within 4 days of being back online I already caught a Spyware program trying in insinuate itself in my system... AND my Google Search Bar (great pop-up killer), had something called “Powersearch” attached to it.... rat bastards!

Funny note: The guy who cleaned out my computer said to me: “And you really shouldn't visit porn sites. Those are the worst!”

I said, “How did you know I visited porn sites?”

He answered, “Dude... EVERYBODY who has to come into my shop with their cpu all fucked up visits porn sites!”

Heh.... busted.

BY GOD, I'LL RUN NORTON 60 TIMES A DAY IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES TO GET PORN ON MY COMPUTER SCREEN!!!

VENGEANCE IS MINE, SAYETH THE LEMMING!!

Is Smackdown going to run a PPV this month? Gee, I hope so, or that headline is a LIE!

I saw Vengeance tonight, but it was really a toss-up...

Anyway.... notes, observations, and semi-amusing asides as followed:

-Wanna know why Chris Benoit CAN'T last as champion? Because of the way he says silly ass stuff like: “Triple H, your foolish rants have only pushed me HARDER!” No one should EVER say that without adding a diabolical “Mwahahahahahhahaaaa” at the end.

-Still, it's a KILLER promotional video... those sumbitches know how to PRODUCE!

-Hartford! We wanna be Boston and should be Providence.... but we ain't either.

-What's a PPV without the COACH???? Why, it's a Smackdown ppv, of course

-HB Cade will have to wait until they find something to do with Rhyno... teaming him with Tajiri is a good way to fill ANY mid-card.

-Coach is a white guy with a hellava sharp tan.... I'm convinced.

-Evolution tries to squeeze Hunter to reveal his DEVIOUS plan for corrupting Eugene. Hunter doesn't even try to tease that all will be revealed on Monday. This is gonna stretch until DEEP into August.

-Jericho gives Batista every opportunity to shine on his own... and ends up having a plodding, slow, deadish match because of it.

-I mean, Batista has the look, and the tools... but homeboy is so frickin' SLOW!

-HHH continues his DEVIOUS CORRUPTION of young Eugene.

-Can the combined heat of Eugene and RIC FLAIR make a match with la Resistance enjoyable? Fuckin' A they can!!

-It's so cool when they create an entire match just to showcase all things cool about Flair.

-They didn't win the straps tho'

-The sad part about Matt Hardy and Kane is that an unwritten rule with the boys is that you NEVER, EVER fight over rats...

-and wouldn't it be a hoot if the real father turned out to be Essa Rios?

-screw that... MAKE PATTERSON THE FATHER AND LET'S FREAK EVERYONE OUT!!!

-CHEERS to hardy for scoring the upset

-JEERS to the damn cameraman for accidentally showing how the “chair to the steps right to the face” trick didn't even BUMP into Kane's face.

-MORE drama between Matt and Lita that's best saved for Monday nights

-Edge and Orton have THE match of their careers... Edge needed it more than Orton... but this was ALMOST a Wrestlemania level main event match... top notch, extended, thrilling, with many almost-finishes. Well done.... worth getting the replay just for it

-Orton lost the belt too.

-Molly and Victoria wrestled. The LOSER was me, because I just realized I ordered a fuckin' PPV that Trish wasn't going to be on. Desperate, I ended up fucking my parrot, Jake

-Now that that pesky Shawn Michaels was busy saving the souls of his ex-tag partners from ETERNAL DAMNATION... Hunter gets to jam with Benoit one on one

-The match was slow for the first half, then picked up

-Then the match became just another chapter in the DEVIOUS CORRUPTION of young Eugene.... the MISEDUCATION of Nick Dinsmore, if you will!

-My favorite part was when Benoit got tired of Eugene and knocked him off the ring apron... I SWEAR I heard him holler, “GET OFF OF MY AIRTIME, YOU FUCKING 'TARD!!”

-Because of Eugene's refusal to fully submit to the DEVIOUS CORRUPTION on the Cerebral Assassin... Benoit ended up retaining.

-Okay show.... the Orton/Edge match stole the show... Flair got to shine.... and Benoit continues to make a case for a lengthy, build-the-brand-on-my-ass title run.

-Lots of filler tho'.... loooooots of matches that went on a bit to long.

Meanwhile, before every PPV I get an e-mail from someone named “Crips” with the PPV line-up and I have to pick the winners in a little, on-going tournament.... and by God, I don't think I picked a SINGLE goddam winner.... man alive... I got every match wrong.

Okay, this was a lousy recap on my part... but things get better here... I swear!

CHRISTIAN!! FINALLY I'M ON MY OW..... COMING, DEAR

If you're like me KILL YOURSELF!! NOW!!

But seriously folks... KILL YOURSELF, NOW!!

Oh okay... if you're like me you watched when Christian and Trish, in an effort to establish their new “Heel Lovers” gimmick, smooched on camera... once at Wrestlemania and once the night after on Raw.

Of course... smooched is being generous... Stratus tried to sell it, but Christian... LOVERBOY that he is... well, it would've took an act of God to pry those lips open... he had them sealed down tighter than a dead beat dad's wallet on the first of the month.

Meanwhile, poor Stratus had her tongue OUT... BEGGING Christian to play along... frickin'.... hussy.

So, when you see a guy like Christian... young, athletic, sort of handsome (guy DOES look like he fell off the ugly tree and hit a few limbs on the way down) get all uptight with a blond in his arms, you automatically think: “Yup, he's Canadian!”... followed closely by: “Yup, he's gay”, followed CLOSELY by: “Well hell, that's an oxymoron!” Which, of course, is immediately followed with a brief thanks to God (or Allah) for making you not Canadian...

But anywhoo... the story as to why Christian is such a LOSER isn't quite so simple... as “Charlie” explains:

Hey, hyatte. You may not remember me, I've only written you once before (gave you a little grief about saying "cowboy up"). Anyway, I'm the graveyard manager at a large hotel here in LA, and I see my share of pro athletes. I usually try to upgrade them (suck up) when they check in.

Christian has been here for a few days, and he came in pretty late at night. I didn't let him know I recognized him, but right as I started to switch his room and give him the "you're the man, here's your upgrade" talk, his dumb bitch girlfriend had to open her mouth.

Ho: "There's going to be a fire drill here tomorrow morning?"

Me: "Yep."

Ho: "From nine a.m. to one p.m.?"

Me: "I'm not sure when, just sometime in that time frame for no more than ten minutes."

Ho: (sneering) "Like I meant for the whole time."

What a beyatch. But she is flaming ass hot. Skinny blonde, about 5'6", maybe 105 lbs, tops.

But most importantly, I'm 100 percent sure this bitch TAKES IT UP THE ASS. No doubt. Good for Christian. Thought you'd like to know.

BTW, he didn't get upgraded after that little exchange. Keep up the bad work.

Well thank you “Charlie”, I think I will.

So, for those of you who HATE reading text in italics:

-Christian's got a lady

-she's hot, blond, skinny, and mouthy

-really, REALLY mouthy

-and Christian just sits there and lets her be mouthy

-and her mouth lost them a free hotel upgrade.

-and from his brief encounter with them, “Charlie” surmised that she enjoys taking meat up her shitter

-and she finds fire drills, like, REALLY unnecessary.

So there you go... NOW we know why Christian is afraid to partake of a little free Stratus... because he's CANADIAN!!

*whiiiich-ooo*

HART BROKEN

Read Flair's book yet? Bret Hart has... and he is PISSED too!

At a lot of things... he's not thrilled with Flair's comments about Mick Foley, Randy Savage, AND Bret himself, naturally. Meltzer swears he'll have Bret's comments just as soon as he makes it up... I mean just as soon as Bret writes them

Not sure why he'd be steamed at Flair's comments about Savage, all Flair did mostly was say Savage was a better all-around package with Elizabeth.

But anyway, I got on the horn with Bret and asked WHAT ELSE cheesed him off... he ran down a laundry list:

-Americans

-Shampoo

-strokes

-Hyenas

-anyone named “McMahon”

-homos

-forks

-rafters

-airline food

-his brother Bruce

-any movie with Timothy Hutton

-Timothy Hutton

-Lesbians

-Jews

-Polacks

-Bob Dylan

-USA Pro promoter Frank Goodman

-Newfies

-Ice cream cartons that are half vanilla and half chocolate (“Make up your mind, eh.”)

-girls named “Amanda”

-Frank Stallone

-black people who crank up the bass in their cars late at night (“I mean, people are trying to sleep, eh”)

-cancer

-Tony Danza

And then he told me to take off and hung up the phone.

I SCOOPED MELTZER!!! HA HA HAHA HAAA!!! FUCK YOU AND YOUR CONNECTIONS!!!!

Bret hates girls named “Amanda”? Wow... I just find them woefully paranoid and deeply confused.

I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST WEEKEND

Included are 411 reviews (where applicable)… because the 411 Movie Zone needs some luv!

1) Spider Man 2: $46 million ($257.2 million TOTAL). You are one section away from my own personal review of this flick, and you WILL marvel (heh, Pun City!) at how I seque this review into a good ol' fashion goof on Scott Keith

2) Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy: $28 million opening weekend. The problem with this movie, if I read the reviews correctly, is that 90% of the funniest jokes were put In the trailer (this link will take you to the site, but getting the trailer will take a teeny bit of work, not much tho'). Which isn't THAT bad a deal, seeing how the trailer was fucking hilarious!

Isn't Ben Stiller in this flick too? Christ all Mighty... let's hope Satan has MAJOR plans for his ass when it's time for Ben to hold up HIS end of the contract

And who said Christina Applegate deserved a career after “Married With Children”? Why wasn't I notified!

3) King Arthur $15.1 million opening weekend: Ah, the second “King Arthur” flick in a row without any of that cool mythical “sorcery” in there. Ooooh, but methinks there WILL be a touch of sorcery resulting from this film. Ooooh, once young Kiera Knightly sees just how much of a little boy she looks from the neck down... Oooooh, within a year we'll see Keira Knightly's missing tits suddenly... MAGICALLY... “grow”...

Has Ben Affleck tapped this uppity broad yet? I'm sure he WILL.... bastard.

4) Fahrenheit 9/11: $11 million ($80 million total) I can watch this movie 1000 times and it STILL won't get me excited about “Kerry/Edwards”... for crying out loud people... Bush is practically BEGGING the Democrats to swoop in and save the day and the BEST they can come up with is JOHN KERRY??

5) The Notebook: $6.52 million ($43 million total). I still do not give a rat's AIDS infested ass.

In other movie news: Am I the only one who noticed just how fast The Chronicles of Riddick vanished off the face of the planet?

Meanwhile, while I have no intention of seeing Saved until it shows up on cable, I simply MUST say that Mandy Moore has the softest, most sensuous skin I have ever seen on a woman. God DAMN.

Speaking of young starlets... Jessica Simpson's husband, Nick Lachey, has joined the cast of Charmed... make no mistake, he WILL bang the living shit out of Alyssa Milano and he WILL bang her with GUSTO... not even a question of “if” here.

I guess I'm done.

MY HYATTE SENSE IS TINGLING

So this Spider-Man 2 is making an unGodly amount of money during a summer where a TON of movies are making an unGodfly amount of money... but this flick... Jesus.

And it's deserved... the film is a rarity with super hero movies... it doesn't feel the need to completely explain everything to the audience... it is a natural continuation from the first flick. The theme of the story - “It is a gift, it is a curse”- is still intact. In the first film, Sam Raimi focused on the gift... in this flick, he zeros in on the curse. Parker had more FUN in the costume in the first movie... in this one, he hardly cracks a joke.

HOWEVER, being the natural observer of humanity that I am, I noticed a couple of things about the movie that irked me... the flick isn't perfect... not by a long shot... it's good, it's really, really good... but it ain't perfect.

Of the two things, one of them is the fault of the producers not a technical error, just a error of lazy writing. The second problem is... well, it's more of a guess on my part, but an amusing one.

1- Okay, so they go to great lengths to show Otto Octavious as a peaceful, dedicated, caring scientist whose passion lies in his work AND in his loving wife. The problem is... when he loses his wife, goes stark raving nuts and becomes “Doctor Octopus” how in the HELL does he suddenly develop the fighting skills of a heavyweight boxer?

Don't EVEN start... in the fight scenes, Octopus throws as many punches with his hands as Spider-Man does... oh that cat is bobbing and weaving and shucking and jiving! He's taking shots right to the face... he's fighting like he's been doing it for his WHOLE LIFE! A man of science, even the nutbags, could not POSSIBLY know how to jam as well as this guy does! His arms should have done ALL the fighting while he stood there smiling!

Oh, and before you scream about how the guy had the voice of his evil arms in his head... well, he PROGRAMMED those arms... they shouldn't have the skills of a heavyweight boxer either, Goddammit! People, a scientist shouldn't suddenly be able to throw down with a guy who can climb walls and has super stength like a tough guy just because he has four metal arms attached to his very soul... not in the REAL world! That's just LAZY writing!

2- Jesus Christmas, how many close-ups of Toby Maquire did we NEED in this flick? Seems that we got one every 5 seconds. And if that wasn't enough, the dude had his mask off for about 80% OF THE SCENES WHERE HE WAS IN COSTUME!! AND HE DAMN NEAR LET EVERYONE KNOW HIS SECRET IDENTITY!!! RAIMI EVEN HINTED THAT HIS AUNT MAY KNOWS THE SCORE!!!

I HATE that! Every asshole who ever directed Batman does it too!!!

Here's what I think happened: Remember last year when Toby Maquire suddenly bitched a fit and threatened to walk off the set because “his back hurt”... then the producers threatened to go on without him and put that boring, dead-ass Jake Gyllenhaal in the tights... then Toby suddenly felt a LOT better and reported on set as scheduled? Well, I THINK that Toby's agent had a big sit down with Sam Raimi and said: “Look babe, either give my guy WAAAAY more face time to emote or you can try to put the franchise on this Gyllenhaal loser... and good luck getting HIS face to bring in the fan boys!”

I think Raimi thought it over and decided that there was too much money invested in the film to bluff out Maquire's agent with Jake Whatshisname... so he had some re-writing done.

This is all well and good... they were able to cater the story around a LOT of Peter Parker and a LITTLE Spider-Man... and they even used all that face time to establish the moral lesson that Parker CAN trust people with his identity...

But good god almighty.... they JAMMED the camera so close into Maquire's face so many times that I started counting his boogers (Act 2, Scene 5: 1 in his right nostril, 2 in his left... 3 total)

A perfectly good movie FUCKED OVER by a greedy star and his greasy (and possibly Jewish) agent! This is Hollywood at it's WORST.... makes rasslin' look as seedy as a game of “Chutes and Ladders”

But what do I know? I'm just a sorta writer... what we need is a REAL, a LEGITIMATE writer to offer HIS opinion... a PUBLISHED writer with a well honed, trained eye for detail like this... a PROFESSIONAL observation FROM a professional writer...

Absolutely incredible. I want to see it a million times. Billion zillion stars.- Scott Keith: a REAL writer.

*sigh

Hey, while we're on the topic...

MY THREE STOOGES

Wanna know why the Netcop isn't “ranting” much these days? Oh, nevermind his “I got a day job now” excuse... here's the REAL reason... and it's a dandy!

Remember the movie Twins? Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito play twins who were separated at birth. Good, funny movie. Rent it.

Well, Arnold plays a virgin for MOST of the movie... a buffed, ripped, 230 pound virgin... then he meets Kelly Preston.... and well..

The scene is hilarious... the camera glides over to Preston, in bed, smoking and looking well-satisfied. Then it slides across to Arnold, who is staring up glassy eyes with a dopey grin on his face looking lobotomized and loving every minute of it. Like he just discovered what the fuss about pussy was all about and DAMN the critics weren't lying!

Okay, now think about that scene... the look on Arnold's face...

Now super-impose Scott Keith's face over Arnold's.

See, Scooter got a girlfriend and moved from Edmonton all the way to Saskatoon (Jesus, why didn't they just name it “Bumblefuck, Eh” and be done with it) to live with her... which is cool! Right on!

But, the BAD NEWS for you Scott fans (you rascals know who you are) is that, for probably the first time in his life, Scott is getting sex... regularly... without paying (*snort... oh cheap jokes, without them I am NOTHING)...

So now Scott has a choice... nightly he asks himself “Do I do a 10 page 'rant' on this DVD/movie/wrestling show or do I have sex?” Think of the look on Arnold's face... put Scooter's face with the same look....

Ah, and his new woman? The sex that he is currently getting by the tushy-load? Her name is Jodie... she is between 19-22 and she is looking to be either a Teacher or a Librarian (A LIBRARIAN?? Piece of advice to Scott from someone who knows... wannabe librarians are a RISKY proposition) and from the report I got, she's very sweet.

So hate to be the bearer of bad news here but... face it kids.... he won't be ranting for a LOOOOOONG time!

And before he goes SCREAMING to Widro about how I had better keep her out of this... don't worry, bro... I got an e-mail from someone who saw you two together... recognized the girl... and gave me this very limited bit of info... not even a description... and I won't pursue it. I'll never mention your new honey again! I just wanted your legion of fans to know what's occupying your time these days, tiger!

She's in her early 20's.... Scott's pushing 30... heh... there will be NO ranting... oh HELL no!

*sniff.... our little Scooter is finally becoming a MAN! God bless 'im!

Yeah, meanwhile, while HE'S getting extra-young trim... look at what I have to deal with:

LADIES DUDES LOVE COOL HY

You might recall, if you bothered to read it, oh of course you did... but you are allowed to refresh your memory. Near the bottom of the Thursday column from a couple of weeks ago is a chat I had with a guy who thought I was Missy Hyatt and tried to hit on me.

Pretty harmless, actually... accidents happen... or so I thought... then THIS happened, early last week:

Johnny Landin Yo: i didnt mean to hit on you.

Hyatte1com: It's okay

Johnny Landin Yo: i thought you were a girl

Hyatte1com: I figured

Johnny Landin Yo: i like girls

Johnny Landin Yo: do you like girls

Hyatte1com: sure

Johnny Landin Yo: do you like guys 2?

Hyatte1com: what?

Johnny Landin Yo: i was kinda hopin that maybe you liked guys 2

Johnny Landin Yo: i like guys.

Hyatte1com: Oh no

Johnny Landin Yo: im 17. how old r u?

Johnny Landin Yo: im touching my cock. Tell me what to do with it.

Hyatte1com: WHAT??

Not only did I block him, I went Buddy List ONLY too!

Then his FRIENDS started hounding me. All guys.... all pissed at me because.... actually, I'm not sure why. Because I turned one of them down, I guess. (one of them is called “The Wizard of Wieners”, I shit you not)

I wouldn't have said ANYTHING but, well, because this kid's boytoy posse just kept bothering me and... well, now thousands and thousands of people know this kid's dilemma.

Kids today. I know being a teenager is a strange time... you start getting these curious new feelings... but... MAN, this country gets gayer and gayer with each generation... no wonder Daddies have been abandoning their families left and right...

Kids today... man!

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing that I have decided on this, a brand new, ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Suckfuck, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably a fan of Ring of Honor too, you PERVERT!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because…

Because it's not TALENT that's keeping the belt on Benoit for one extra month... and it for FAN DEMAND EITHER, you losers! Can you guess what it is? Huh? HUH??

DOING LINES: CAUGHT ON FILM

So, I have practically NOTHING from films on my pc now... so I went searching, and with the help of a nutbag who keeps bothering me online, I dug up some AWESOME quotes.

I still need submissions... and as I said before, I'll never ask for them again.

I have some incredible quotes all set this week... we start off with a sequence I've been looking for for the LONGEST time... and we end with another sequence I've been DYING to post... the first is from a FUNNY fuckin' flick that is long underrated and the second... well... the second is from Jack.

If you need more than just "Jack"... then you are utterly fucking hopeless.

Oh, and is Gene "THE FUCK" Hackman in the house? Bitch, what do you think?

01): Where do you live?

In the city.

You have a house?

Apartment.

Own or rent?

Rent.

What do you do for a living?

Lotsa things.

Where's your office?

Don't have one.

How come?

Don't need one.

You have a wife?

No.

How come?

It's a long story.

You have kids?

No.

How come?

It's an even longer story.

Are you my dad's brother?

What's your record for consecutive questions?

38.

I'm your dad's brother alright.

You have much more hair on your nose than my dad.

How nice of you to notice.

I'm a kid, that's my job.- Uncle Buck

02): Oh, what is this Frank? Oh, oh, look Frank. It's a toaster!

(hits Frank with the toaster)

The bitch hit me with a toaster!- Scrooged

03): Just answer me one question.

Yes, you're a total faggot.

Ha ha ha. That's not the question.- Sixteen Candles

04): Don't call me stupid.

Right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've met sheep that could out-wit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQ's. But you think you're an intellectual, don't you, Ape?

Apes don't read philosophy.

Yes they do, Otto. They just don't understand it. Now let me correct you on a few things. Aristotle was not Belgian. The central message of Buddhism is not Every Man For Himself. And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are mistakes Otto. I looked 'em up. Now, what should an intelligent man do? What would a philosopher do? What would Plato do?

Apologize.

What was that?

APOLOGIZE!

That's right.

I'm sorry.

Not to me.

Shit!- A Fish Called Wanda

05): What are you still doing here? Look, I'm beginning to lose my sense of humor about all this.

Ok, then I'll cut to the chase. If you want a chance in hell at getting your daughter back you better listen up. Unless of course, you want to stay here, in this loser existence, while your daughter grows up to be a fluffer in her new daddy's videos.

With the courtesy of not confusing your own childhood with my daughter's.- Swordfish

06): Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, OK? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, OK? Are you following?

Yeah.

Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fuck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first?

What is this supposed to prove?

No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny?

The man-hating dyke.

Good. Why?

I don't know.

Because the other three are figments of your FUCKING IMAGINATION!!- Chasing Amy

07): Remember, fans, Tuesday is Die Hard Night. Free admission for anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant.- Major League

08): Bye bye California. Hello new west coast. My west coast. Costa Del Lex. Luthorville. Marina del Lex. Otisburg...."Otisburg"?

Miss Tessmacher said. She has her own little place.

"Otisburg"?

It's a little bitty place!

"Otisburg"?

Alright, I'll wipe it off, that's all.- Superman

09): All that I ask is that you do every little thing that pops into my head, while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind.- Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events

10): You're gonna have to trust me on this one. You need a LOT of drinks.

To break the ice?

To kill the bug you have up your ASS!- Terms of Endearment

And then the smile... the bright, dazzling, shit-eating smile...

The man is Jack... Jack Fucking Nicholson... not QUITE the ass kicker that Brando was... but close.... verrrrry, verrrrry close

I'm gonna bail now... I was planning on doing a way cool tribute to Brando (it involves known literary icon Norman Mailer and a SHITLOAD of italicized transcribing... so if you all REALLY want to see it, let me know)

I WILL be here on Thursday... and I WILL have advice, Widro, Flea, an update on Bobbi Billard, this, that, these, and those. Oh, and I rag on Mark Madden a bit (If I get my Torch passwords back, that is). Should be fun.

Coming soon, Hyatte-Yak... gross porn clips... umm... I don't know...

Oh, and I'm seriously considering doing a series of “And Another Things”... old school stuff.... no novels... no gay sex... no characters named “Scooter”...

I'm thinking it's time to remind everyone just how good I am... I mean, I remind you all on a semi-weekly basis, I know... but still... it's good to shock people.

Anywhosis... I'm out.

This is Hyatte